There's not much to update in terms of how I'm feeling. Magic Man and I have a new game we play when I go to bed. He likes to keep track of how much time goes by before I get up to go pee. I think I set the newest record at 40 minutes last night. It's just plain annoying. I curl up in bed, get the pillow situated between my legs, lay there, roll over, re-position the pillow, start to drift off and... it's time to get up. In all seriousness, though, everything is fine. Niblette is a mover and a shaker, I'm doing my best to eat healthy when all I want some days is a giant burger with a metric ton of fries, and there a lot of balls in the air when it comes to our money situation. Sounds about right for a couple expecting their first.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about things to teach my daughter when she's old enough to understand and appreciate them. Last night reminded me of one I wanted to remember: pantry cooking.
Magic Man and I really need to go grocery shopping but it wasn't going to happen last night. The cupboards aren't bare but they're sparse. He looked in the kitchen and just thought, "We need to go shopping" resigned to having a sandwich or cereal. I looked in the kitchen and said, "I see dinner." Dinner was some bacon and a delicious (all bias aside) puff pancake dish with peaches, sliced almonds, and a cream sauce. With a handy recipe and a couple substitutions, dinner was wonderful.
I want to teach my daughter how to do that. How to be resourceful. How to be determined. How to make something beautiful out of seemingly nothing. After all, that's how she came to be.
I hope to add more "What I Will Teach Her Posts" in the coming weeks.
1.16.2012
The D Word(s)
I took last week off from writing because it was an emotionally and mentally draining week. Besides work being busier than I would like, Magic Man and I had a couple really difficult conversations about daycare and debt and all the not so fun stuff that comes when you're an expectant family. Add on to that my own feelings of disappointing others and it just wasn't the best week for me to write. Not that I expect everything in this blog to be seen through rose colored glasses, but I am actively pursuing being honest while not being a downer. Therefore: blog break.
Since no decisions have been made there's no point in bogging down the blog with all the discussions. The Lord knows what Magic Man and I desire our family to look like and I am putting my faith and trust that He will bring those things to fruition in His own good time. He has constantly reminded me throughout this process that what He wants is better than what I want despite my fights for the contrary to be true.
In keeping with the tagline of this blog "How I learned to cut myself some slack," here's an example from just yesterday.
Magic Man has been stellar lately. I can easily say that last week he did far more housework than I did. Any normal person would be overjoyed and appreciated. Me? I got down on myself because I wasn't doing enough which meant I needed to do more but I've been really tired but I should suck it up and be super wife and and and...
You get the idea.
How I cut myself some slack: First off I expressed my fears of not being a good wife and all that entailed to Magic Man when he got home from work last night. Vocalizing it made it seem a little silly and he kindly pointed out that I was being a tad irrational and over the top. In verbally processing with him I realized that what I need to do is be appreciative of all that he's been doing, but not compare my efforts to his. We're two different people with two different energy levels and two different points of view on this pregnancy thing. It is good for him to step up when I'm stepping down a bit. I should appreciate him and tell him I appreciate him. And then be done with it.
So that's what I did.
I am learning to alter my expectations of myself. Make them more realistic. I want to be able to teach my daughter to have reasonable expectations of herself. In those early years, and throughout her life, she will learn this lesson not from a book but from her parents. I can't teach her something I don't know how to do.
So I'm learning.
For her.
 |
| Why yes, I do own rose colored glasses. |
In keeping with the tagline of this blog "How I learned to cut myself some slack," here's an example from just yesterday.
Magic Man has been stellar lately. I can easily say that last week he did far more housework than I did. Any normal person would be overjoyed and appreciated. Me? I got down on myself because I wasn't doing enough which meant I needed to do more but I've been really tired but I should suck it up and be super wife and and and...
You get the idea.
How I cut myself some slack: First off I expressed my fears of not being a good wife and all that entailed to Magic Man when he got home from work last night. Vocalizing it made it seem a little silly and he kindly pointed out that I was being a tad irrational and over the top. In verbally processing with him I realized that what I need to do is be appreciative of all that he's been doing, but not compare my efforts to his. We're two different people with two different energy levels and two different points of view on this pregnancy thing. It is good for him to step up when I'm stepping down a bit. I should appreciate him and tell him I appreciate him. And then be done with it.
So that's what I did.
I am learning to alter my expectations of myself. Make them more realistic. I want to be able to teach my daughter to have reasonable expectations of herself. In those early years, and throughout her life, she will learn this lesson not from a book but from her parents. I can't teach her something I don't know how to do.
So I'm learning.
For her.
1.07.2012
Oh the pain
I never thought much about the pain and awkwardness of pregnancy. Well, given, I never thought much about pregnancy period. When I did think about it I never thought about the uncomfortable aspects though. I thought you just got huge and popped out a kid. Bang. Boom.
Nope.
40 weeks is a long time. To be fair I skipped the first 9 or so because I'm an airhead and didn't realize I was pregnant. Lucky me. I'm 20 weeks now which means I still have 20 more weeks for my body to get weird. Allow me to explain in detail that you probably don't want to know about.
Hip pain. For the past week or so I wake up and my left hip hurts. A lot. I don't like it No one told me about this. It also happens at work which causes me to sit in very odd looking poses.
Back pain. I also woke up on my back the other night and oh my word I thought I might die. I'm also prone to exaggeration when I'm in pain at 3 in the morning. Major ow factor. It's time to break out the spouse separator (aka body pillow.)
Feeling more pregnant than I actually am. I'm only 20 weeks. People say I look like I swallowed a marble. But I feel HUGE. Then Magic Man takes a picture and it does, in fact, look like I swallowed a marble. My perception is incorrect. Surprise.
Body additions and emissions. Mucus, veins, bumps of all shapes and sizes. No one told me just how much my body would mutate when I got pregnant. People who say I look beautiful are seeing me with jeans and a long sleeve turtleneck because it ain't pretty under there.
Feeling the baby move is weird. It's just weird. It's the most unnatural natural thing in the world. Most of the time it freaks me out because there is a living, breathing, punching, kicking baby inside of me who felt like she was trying to burrow out of the right side of my uterus the other day. I've decided she needs a hobby
It's worth it though or so I've heard. In 20 weeks or so I'll let you guys know. For the time being I'll just keep staring at myself in the mirror in disbelief and wonder how on Earth a baby is going to come out of me. And try not to faint.
Nope.
40 weeks is a long time. To be fair I skipped the first 9 or so because I'm an airhead and didn't realize I was pregnant. Lucky me. I'm 20 weeks now which means I still have 20 more weeks for my body to get weird. Allow me to explain in detail that you probably don't want to know about.
Hip pain. For the past week or so I wake up and my left hip hurts. A lot. I don't like it No one told me about this. It also happens at work which causes me to sit in very odd looking poses.
Back pain. I also woke up on my back the other night and oh my word I thought I might die. I'm also prone to exaggeration when I'm in pain at 3 in the morning. Major ow factor. It's time to break out the spouse separator (aka body pillow.)
Feeling more pregnant than I actually am. I'm only 20 weeks. People say I look like I swallowed a marble. But I feel HUGE. Then Magic Man takes a picture and it does, in fact, look like I swallowed a marble. My perception is incorrect. Surprise.
Body additions and emissions. Mucus, veins, bumps of all shapes and sizes. No one told me just how much my body would mutate when I got pregnant. People who say I look beautiful are seeing me with jeans and a long sleeve turtleneck because it ain't pretty under there.
Feeling the baby move is weird. It's just weird. It's the most unnatural natural thing in the world. Most of the time it freaks me out because there is a living, breathing, punching, kicking baby inside of me who felt like she was trying to burrow out of the right side of my uterus the other day. I've decided she needs a hobby
It's worth it though or so I've heard. In 20 weeks or so I'll let you guys know. For the time being I'll just keep staring at myself in the mirror in disbelief and wonder how on Earth a baby is going to come out of me. And try not to faint.
1.04.2012
It's A Girl
Yesterday Magic Man and I had our 20 week ultrasound and found out we are the proud parents to be of a little girl. I won't say I was hoping for a boy but I did have a hunch, as did everyone else in the Western hemisphere, that it was a boy. When the lovely tech said it was a girl I almost started to cry. Not out of sadness but out of... well... out of the fact I'm crazy. This was one more plan I had that was shaken up.
But.
We're having a little girl. And we will raise her to be strong and confident and ambitious and passionate and kind. She will never have a doubt that she is loved or beautiful. She will reap from me all the knowledge I've gained over the years of what it means to be a woman and all the knowledge I continue to gather. From her father she will learn that she is worthy of the moon and any man who will give her less is not worth her time.
I am scared to death of raising a girl: tea parties, nail painting, and let's not even get started on adolescence which was none too kind to me. More than frightened, though, I am excited for her to join me on my journey and for me to be a part of hers.
But.
We're having a little girl. And we will raise her to be strong and confident and ambitious and passionate and kind. She will never have a doubt that she is loved or beautiful. She will reap from me all the knowledge I've gained over the years of what it means to be a woman and all the knowledge I continue to gather. From her father she will learn that she is worthy of the moon and any man who will give her less is not worth her time.
I am scared to death of raising a girl: tea parties, nail painting, and let's not even get started on adolescence which was none too kind to me. More than frightened, though, I am excited for her to join me on my journey and for me to be a part of hers.
1.02.2012
Meltdown
The whole time I've been pregnant I've had a feeling that I was having a boy. Tomorrow is the "big ultrasound" where they make sure Niblet is actually a human being and we'll hopefully find out if Niblet is, in fact, a boy or a girl. Assuming he or she's not being modest. Which doesn't run in either side of the family.So that's tomorrow. And last night I wondered, "What if I'm wrong and we are having a girl? Then what do I do?" I've spent all this time being confident and cocky that we were having a boy. Mother's intuition or whatnot. You see, I'm a tomboy. I've gotten more... feminine... as I've gotten older, but I was a tomboy growing up. I worry that if I have a girl, she'll be the girliest girl, and I'll just spend all my time staring at her like a foreign alien wondering what on Earth to do with her.
All these ideas struck me about the time Magic Man and I went to bed. His tired self was not nearly as interested in my gender fearing meltdown as I was.
On the bright side of all this, at least I live in an age where I do get to find out one way or the other. And I will be happy no matter what gender the Niblet is. I just had a plan that it was a boy and the good Lord likes to mess with my plans so I worry less and rely on Him more. He's tricky like that. So now I don't know what to do. But think and over analyze and get stressed out over something that... is really silly to get all worked up about.
So I shall be calm tomorrow and excited to find out if Nibs is a boy or a girl.
And instead focus my worrying energy today on something else that is silly to worry about... like the fact I can't find my iTunes gift card. (Hey, I never said I'd stop worrying.)
12.31.2011
Mmm, doughnuts...
When Magic Man and I were engaged I received some fabulous advice from a wonderful woman. She said, "Find your own normal." No two engagements, marriages, or couples look and act the same so there's no reason to compare and contrast oneself with anyone else. If I wanted to wear bright orange flats under my wedding dress then that was totally fine. It was our normal.
I find myself having similar problems during this pregnancy. Wondering if what I'm thinking or feeling is "normal." I know of the abnormal things; Magic Man already has orders that if he comes home and finds me eating paper to get to me the doctor stat. But what about wanting to eat a can of pineapple chunks for dinner? Or crying my eyes out when I watch an episode of The Office I've seen no less than 9 million times? Or sleeping at any time, anywhere, with or without drool? Or, you know, telling my husband that the baby is his child today because it's causing my hip to hurt.
Yesterday I had a moment of clarity on the whole normal issue.
I got heartburn for the first time in years.
From a DOUGHNUT.
That is not normal. But at the same time, during this season of life, it is 100% normal. So I'm giving up on trying to figure out if I'm a normal pregnant woman or not. I'm just going to go along day to day being the best pregnant woman I know how to be. It's a time of learning and growing and resting and taking care of myself in order to take care of my baby. If that means going to bed at 8 on New Year's Eve is weird--so be it.
I find myself having similar problems during this pregnancy. Wondering if what I'm thinking or feeling is "normal." I know of the abnormal things; Magic Man already has orders that if he comes home and finds me eating paper to get to me the doctor stat. But what about wanting to eat a can of pineapple chunks for dinner? Or crying my eyes out when I watch an episode of The Office I've seen no less than 9 million times? Or sleeping at any time, anywhere, with or without drool? Or, you know, telling my husband that the baby is his child today because it's causing my hip to hurt.
Yesterday I had a moment of clarity on the whole normal issue.
I got heartburn for the first time in years.
From a DOUGHNUT.
12.28.2011
Wednesday Wonderment
I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season! I spent most of Christmas with the stomach flu so I went from laying down at one home to laying down in another home and throwing up in undisclosed locations. Yesterday I started to feel human again and today I was able to return to work. I am so thankful for a job where I get to sit all day.
In going along with the title of today's post 'Wednesday Wonderment" here is a small list of thoughts and things that have amazed me about being pregnant.
1. My nails grow so fast! One day I'm normal. Next day I'm Wolverine.
2. I had an incorrect notion that maternity clothes were made to mask or cover up a pregnant belly. There is no reason for this thought other than ignorance. I was given a wonderful maternity sweater for Christmas and am amazed at just how... pregnant... I look in it.
3. Niblet can really move around! I started feeling Niblet move a few weeks ago. It was just a couple times a day if I was really paying attention but I don't need to wait for it any longer. I start feeling him in the morning and tell everyone he or she is waking up and he keeps on moving around throughout the day. It is the strangest, most wonderful, feeling ever. Magic Man got to feel Niblet move for the first time the other day and I could tell it was an awesome moment for him as well.
4. I am not a big drinker but, ever since finding out I was pregnant and being told I can't have something, all I want is a beer. A big one.
5. I have been blown away by people's generosity once they found out I was pregnant. The baby already has some outfits and booties as well as a blanket, a lunch box, a Halloween costume, and a book of bedtime stories just to name a few items given to us. People love babies and people love buying stuff for babies. I am more than willing to accept any and all gifts as I know that when the kid is 7 no one will want to buy him or her a new wardrobe the way they do now.
6. As much as people want to give you "things" they also want to give you advice. Unsolicited. I'm down with hearing about what your pregnancy was like as long as it's not too gross (this is all taking place in a uterus after all) but the advice from people who have never been pregnant or had any training in obstetrics or doula-ism (whatever it's called) blows my mind. One of the more popular phrases in my vocabulary these days is "I'll talk to my doctor about that." (I probably won't.)
7. To book end with number one, I am equally amazed at how fast my hair grows right now. I have been trying to grow my hair out for months because I am a chronic hair cutter. I get bored I cut my hair. I get depressed I cut my hair. I wake up on my left side and I cut my hair. Thanks to Niblet it's been a whole lot easier to just let my hair grow because it does so like Jeff Gordon. When I told a friend this she said "Man, if you had known that would happen you would have gotten pregnant a long time ago."
Happy Wednesday to everyone from me and Niblet!
In going along with the title of today's post 'Wednesday Wonderment" here is a small list of thoughts and things that have amazed me about being pregnant.
1. My nails grow so fast! One day I'm normal. Next day I'm Wolverine.
2. I had an incorrect notion that maternity clothes were made to mask or cover up a pregnant belly. There is no reason for this thought other than ignorance. I was given a wonderful maternity sweater for Christmas and am amazed at just how... pregnant... I look in it.
3. Niblet can really move around! I started feeling Niblet move a few weeks ago. It was just a couple times a day if I was really paying attention but I don't need to wait for it any longer. I start feeling him in the morning and tell everyone he or she is waking up and he keeps on moving around throughout the day. It is the strangest, most wonderful, feeling ever. Magic Man got to feel Niblet move for the first time the other day and I could tell it was an awesome moment for him as well.
5. I have been blown away by people's generosity once they found out I was pregnant. The baby already has some outfits and booties as well as a blanket, a lunch box, a Halloween costume, and a book of bedtime stories just to name a few items given to us. People love babies and people love buying stuff for babies. I am more than willing to accept any and all gifts as I know that when the kid is 7 no one will want to buy him or her a new wardrobe the way they do now.
6. As much as people want to give you "things" they also want to give you advice. Unsolicited. I'm down with hearing about what your pregnancy was like as long as it's not too gross (this is all taking place in a uterus after all) but the advice from people who have never been pregnant or had any training in obstetrics or doula-ism (whatever it's called) blows my mind. One of the more popular phrases in my vocabulary these days is "I'll talk to my doctor about that." (I probably won't.)
7. To book end with number one, I am equally amazed at how fast my hair grows right now. I have been trying to grow my hair out for months because I am a chronic hair cutter. I get bored I cut my hair. I get depressed I cut my hair. I wake up on my left side and I cut my hair. Thanks to Niblet it's been a whole lot easier to just let my hair grow because it does so like Jeff Gordon. When I told a friend this she said "Man, if you had known that would happen you would have gotten pregnant a long time ago."
Happy Wednesday to everyone from me and Niblet!
12.24.2011
No pants? No problem
The tagline of this blog is "How I learned to cut myself some slack." Here are some ways I'm doing just that this holiday season.
1. On Monday morning my size 4 jeans with a little stretch in them still fit. Hallelujah! On Tuesday they did not.
How I cut myself some slack: Grandpa won't be the only one at the Christmas dinner table with his pants undone. Score one for pregnancy comfort. And belly bands.
2. Pregnancy hormones. They suck. They make me crazy. I'm not much of a crying gal and I do that on a pretty regular basis these days.
How I cut myself some slack: By realizing I get sympathy up the wazoo. "Do you need anything? A hug? Taco Bell? I can clean the kitchen?" I get my emotions out AND I get treated like a princess. Score.
3. Magic Man and I live on a pretty tight budget and I've gotten a little crazy about allowing myself to spend money on "stuff." I'll drop a few bucks for a cup of coffee or lunch with a friend but pay full price for, well, anything? Heck to the no.
How I cut myself some slack: I bought a belly band so I can walk around with my pants undone and not feel like a perv. I bought a body pillow so I stop waking up on my back in the middle of the night freaking out that blood is going to instantly stop going to my heart. And on Monday I'm going to drop the 30-40 bucks and buy myself a new, never worn, pair of maternity jeans.
4. Ever since I got married to Magic Man two and a half years ago I live a very self induced obligatory wife existence. I'm the wife so therefore i must work full time, clean daily, vacuum often, keep up the laundry, clean the kitchen, make dinner every night, etc. (FYI, Magic Man doesn't expect these things of me. He's great.) It was exhausting before I was pregnant. Now it makes me want to stay in bed all day.
How I cut myself some slack: "Honey, you're on your own for dinner. I'm having mashed potatoes for the 8th day in a row."
---
We're in a season of love and joy and grace and merriment. Remember that those are gifts to give yourself as well. Merry Christmas.
1. On Monday morning my size 4 jeans with a little stretch in them still fit. Hallelujah! On Tuesday they did not.
How I cut myself some slack: Grandpa won't be the only one at the Christmas dinner table with his pants undone. Score one for pregnancy comfort. And belly bands.
2. Pregnancy hormones. They suck. They make me crazy. I'm not much of a crying gal and I do that on a pretty regular basis these days.
How I cut myself some slack: By realizing I get sympathy up the wazoo. "Do you need anything? A hug? Taco Bell? I can clean the kitchen?" I get my emotions out AND I get treated like a princess. Score.
3. Magic Man and I live on a pretty tight budget and I've gotten a little crazy about allowing myself to spend money on "stuff." I'll drop a few bucks for a cup of coffee or lunch with a friend but pay full price for, well, anything? Heck to the no.
How I cut myself some slack: I bought a belly band so I can walk around with my pants undone and not feel like a perv. I bought a body pillow so I stop waking up on my back in the middle of the night freaking out that blood is going to instantly stop going to my heart. And on Monday I'm going to drop the 30-40 bucks and buy myself a new, never worn, pair of maternity jeans.
4. Ever since I got married to Magic Man two and a half years ago I live a very self induced obligatory wife existence. I'm the wife so therefore i must work full time, clean daily, vacuum often, keep up the laundry, clean the kitchen, make dinner every night, etc. (FYI, Magic Man doesn't expect these things of me. He's great.) It was exhausting before I was pregnant. Now it makes me want to stay in bed all day.
How I cut myself some slack: "Honey, you're on your own for dinner. I'm having mashed potatoes for the 8th day in a row."
---
We're in a season of love and joy and grace and merriment. Remember that those are gifts to give yourself as well. Merry Christmas.
12.22.2011
Inspiration
This afternoon I found myself doing some awesome shower karaoke while listening to my LeAnn Rimes Pandora station. Her song "Light in Your Eyes" was dedicated to me by my Dad and every time it comes on I normally get a little teary eyed. Now that I have pregnancy induced emotional outbursts at the drop of a hat today was no different.
Life can take your dreams and turn them upside down...
And that's exactly what pregnancy did to me.
I had a plan. A good plan. A great plan. A plan that was going to take me places.
And then I took not one, but two, pregnancy tests.
The plan faded and crumbled and got thrown away with my birth control.
But. Now there's a new plan. Or at least the plan of making a plan. Part of the new plan is this blog which will (fingers crossed) become a book sometime in 2012 or 2013. These posts will be my thoughts and musings and rants on life as a pregnant woman. They will be place holders for memories almost forgotten. They will be combined to be the story of my pregnancy and how, through this pregnancy, I learned to cut myself some slack.
Keep coming back. I promise to be entertaining.
Life can take your dreams and turn them upside down...
And that's exactly what pregnancy did to me.
I had a plan. A good plan. A great plan. A plan that was going to take me places.
And then I took not one, but two, pregnancy tests.
The plan faded and crumbled and got thrown away with my birth control.
But. Now there's a new plan. Or at least the plan of making a plan. Part of the new plan is this blog which will (fingers crossed) become a book sometime in 2012 or 2013. These posts will be my thoughts and musings and rants on life as a pregnant woman. They will be place holders for memories almost forgotten. They will be combined to be the story of my pregnancy and how, through this pregnancy, I learned to cut myself some slack.
Keep coming back. I promise to be entertaining.
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